cheryl

I suspended the state of being curious about three years ago. I have not picked up a ‘theory’-book or ‘idea’-book since and I stopped thinking about theories and ideas on philosophy, physics and religion. News, law readings, movies, and novels are not the same intellectual pursuits as poring over ‘theory’-books. In the university environment, I find myself understanding less and less my individual position in the bigger scheme of things. It might be a pitiable irony, that I am more confused although I am perhaps more attuned with the world and more experienced with working with people and society (and even more pitiable that I still suck at these things). Perhaps it is precisely the lack of an inner edifice due to suspension of introspection, that I am confused by new stimuli.

I built the past 3 years on experiencing stimuli. Then I met a new friend who had built his 3 years on rational thought. He had a fundamental belief and an ultimate goal and he knew everything else that he does now are just means towards his one goal. On the contrary, each of the everything else I did was a goal and an end in itself. Perhaps you can argue that life in its entirety was my fundamental belief and goal. I felt for everything and pursued everything in life. But it seems like, without an overarching theory to structure the diversity of stimuli, I am thrown into confusion and left with not knowing where I am now and where I will be in future.

Perhaps it is time again to question, to seek and to rebuild.